If you’re anything like me, you hate people. And not just in a ‘yeah, I guess people are kind of sucky’ way, but in a wrathful ‘death to humans jfewwfokillmaimdestroy’ way. Most of the time, it works out fine…modern society has created ways for people like me to avoid populous locations and gatherings, however occasionally incidents will occur when I have to leave the house and maintain some human interaction. This annoys me, and no matter how much our technology has improved over the last hundred years to improve personal interactions the fact remains that not enough progress has been made in limiting communications between lonely and soulless people such as myself, and the rest of civilisation. The following is a list of five ways I best try to limit my interactions with people, lest I should have to endure an actual conversation.
Ahh music, sweet redeemer, thou minstrel choruses and harmonious melodies bequeath solest upon even thine harshest soul. Seriously, without music I would possibly be more of a careless, cynical and overall horrible person. Luckily, with it comes the opportunity to loose oneself in an art form that is portable. A painting encourages discussion. Sitting next to a guy blasting Every Time I Die from a pair of noise-cancelling Sennheiser headphones does not. It’s almost beautiful how music works to this avail.
Books are great, without words… I guess no technology at all would exist. To me, a story becomes a thing of great beauty when told through the written medium. Luckily, being engrossed in a book also gives the indication that you are both:
a) backward and un-engaged by technology that encourages personal interaction.
b) intelligent and sexy.
The result is that no one will talk to you while you’re reading a book…especially if the title is ‘Backdoor Sluts 9; A Novelisation’.
3) Looking Like a Freak.
What does a freak look like? This is a question that has troubled me since I started seeking solitude. Luckily, television shows from the late 90’s have provided me ample information regarding how I should look in order to be considered ‘fucking weird’.
4) Never Shaving or Getting a Haircut.
Cavemen were the craftiest sort of men, for their efforts to get laid mainly revolved around how handy they were with a club. Unfortunately, the gene pool hasn’t quite caught up with the fact that having hair in every location on the body is no longer seen as socially desirable.
Being of Balkan decent, I feel blessed in my ability to grow a filthy, filthy beard and maintain a healthy head of hair…that I haven’t cut in over a year.
When people look at me, you can actually see the disgust in their eyes. It’s amazing.
5) Video Games, like… all of them.
You know what’s amazing? Thanks to technology I no longer have to leave the house to entertain myself. Why would I go for a walk and potentially run into someone I went to high school with (followed by an awkward conversation) when I could drive around Liberty City in GTA for a few hours, stopping only to gun down the occasional innocent bystander? Its wondrous, glorious… majestic even. Hell, give me a +40 k/d ratio over sex any day, as long as I don’t have to see another human being. Cause I’m the kind of guy who gives up playing World of Warcraft because it involves too much social interaction. Yes, that actually did happen.